If I’ve ever apologized to you over a message, text, or email, you should know that it most likely took me longer than most people to write out exactly what’s been going on through my head. I tend to write, delete and re-word everything so I don’t sound as ridiculous as my thoughts.

The funny thing is, even though I KNOW these things are ridiculous, they still consume me. Thoughts keep me up constantly, and I tend to over-think even the simplest things. My husband laughs this off, and I wish I could, too. Trying to make logical sense out of my anxiety is time-consuming

I’ve had some friends who get angry at me for apologizing, especially if it’s something that didn’t cross their mind or just for the pure frequency of my self-doubt. There are times when I can control it, but on my bad days, you can find me apologizing for talking too much, for not talking enough, for being reclusive or apologizing for apologizing – my signature.

What people don’t know is that the reason my apologies come out so frequently is that I feel guilty for being myself. I grew up in a toxic environment that made me think I would never be good enough and that no one would ever care for me, so I tend to believe it. Even though I’ve gone through therapy and know that this isn’t true, there is always that little sliver of guilt that likes to bombard itself to the front when my anxiety flares up.  I can drown in self-critical thought, what if scenarios and genuinely believe that everyone will take me the wrong way.

Internal battles are so hard to overcome, especially when you desperately want to control it. I hate that these thoughts are intrusive, keep me up at night and continually makes me worry. I despise worrying what people think of me when I’m honestly trying my best not to care. Years of therapy have brought me a long way, but, I don’t believe that my apologizing will ever truly go away.

I’ll be sorry for the things that happen and for things that don’t.
I’ll be sorry for not being there for you when I’m struggling with my problems
I’ll be sorry for constantly apologizing, thinking that I’m annoying you to the point where you do not want to be my friend anymore.

I’m trying my best to not struggle with this, but please know that these apologies come from a place of love. A weird anxious love that I’m still trying to understand

Anxiety is automatically waking up at 5 am because you assumed your 6 am alarm clock didn’t go off.
It’s checking your watch to determine how much time you could get if only you could just fall back asleep.

“Is it 5:15, only?”

It’s wanting to get that extra hour back knowing that you’ll be exhausted if you don’t.

“If I don’t get another hour, I might be irritable at work today, and I can’t be irritable because we have that team meeting.”

It’s not being able to fall back asleep because your mind is racing a mile a minute

“Speaking of the team meeting, remember the last one where you weren’t paying attention, and your boss was asking you a question?”

It’s planning out how your day is going to look even though you haven’t brushed your teeth yet.

“But If I wake up now that means I can get to work a little early, which might look good in my boss’s eyes.”

It’s staring at the ceiling in the warmth of your bed dreading the day already knowing people will notice that you’re tired

“Making a mental note to put on makeup when I get to work… did I put that in my bag already? UGH, I forgot to look for that eyeliner for my co-worker!”

It’s already feeling guilty over something that tiny.
It’s going back and forth from checking the time to planning your day.

“What time should I go to bed tonight to hopefully avoid this tomorrow?”

It’s realizing it’s unavoidable.
It’s getting up because it’s 6 am now, time to start the day.

night owl