Some of you have noticed my absence on here, and I just wanted to touch base.

As I mentioned in a few posts before, I’ve been in isolation months before this quarantine took effect. I would say that I’ve been a homebody for almost 6 months now. Being home has been a challenge on my mental health, and it’s also taken a toll on my relationship with others.

When things are too much, I generally back away, and that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been trying my best to tread in the shallow water while observing the catastrophes surrounding me.

My husband has been unemployed for 10 months now, and the stress of that has been eating away. With no real start date on when things will turn around for the film industry, it’s been a struggle for us to stay positive. My maternity leave will end soon, and I am shrouded with uncertainty even though I am excited to get back to my old routine. It’s hard for me to fall asleep most nights now because my mind is racing with what-ifs. I am exhausted in more ways than one.

My health isn’t any better, and I am entirely to blame for the majority of it.
I’ve gained back all of the weight that I lost months after giving birth. I am not as active as I once was, and that’s given me a slew of secondary issues that make it hard to find the motivation to get up and go. Walking up and down the stairs with my daughter is leaving me breathless, and I’m on the verge of tears, thinking I won’t be able to catch up to her soon.

I’ve also been dealing with jaw problems and perimenopause symptoms, which are the icing on top of everything else.

I can hear people getting annoyed whenever I bring some of these things up, so I’ve just stopped. I preach about opening up and talking, yet here I am doing the opposite. In the grand scheme of things, complaining seems trivial. Who has time to complain about my relationship with my husband, my extreme exhaustion, or the severe daily hot flashes when there are more significant issues? From my perspective, everyone is going through their own shit, so mine seems mundane.

My heart is heavy for the world.
It’s been a challenge to be an empath during these unprecedented times. I’ve tried to limit my social media or news outlets to get a breather, but that is only good for maybe a day or two.

When I watch my daughter play, my chest gets heavy. My anxiety-ridden mind wonders why I would bring a tiny human into a broken world. Her slobbery kisses generally ground me back, but those thoughts can jump back at any moment.

I’m trying to stay hopeful that things will get better soon, but some days it’s hard to be positive. I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking this, so for those who are also struggling: I feel you.

Ever since my last therapy session, I took a lot of things into consideration when it came to my relationships with those surrounding me. I had a hard time struggling with the fact that I had to distance myself from certain people because it wasn’t benefiting my health. I already deal with a bout of loneliness, so whenever I know that I need to cut ties, something inside of me twists and turns into this form of guilt that I wish could go away. When I tried to lean on certain friendships and family members with my struggles, I was met with so much resentment that it honestly made my anxiety worse. I would try to communicate with them the best way that I could, but when there’s nothing that you can do to change a mind, you are left with defeat.

I stopped apologizing for cutting ties a long time ago. When I left Montreal to come here to Toronto, a lot of people tried to make me feel guilty for cutting out a significant family member in my life – my adoptive father. Even when I would explain the whole situation to them, especially the fact that he was causing harm, they could not see past him being my father. Those people did not last long in my life, and I wasn’t even apologetic for it. Why should I be? This man created such a toxic atmosphere that I needed to leave for my mental health. It took me YEARS of therapy to get over, yet, “he’s still your father.”
We are brought up to think that family bonds are eternal and these family members are always supposed to be there for us – you never expect them to hurt you; I never expected to be tossed aside.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only person to make that list. I honestly thought, as a naïve little girl, that everyone else that I would bring into my life would be trustworthy, loyal & overall understanding. I don’t mean to sound negative here, but there are a lot of “friends” out there who feed off of others, suck a lot of energy out of you – yet, you still tend to keep them around because no one is perfect, and there are things that you can overlook. I refused this theory a couple of years ago and quite honestly, am in a much better place than I’ve ever been. Any toxic relationship can drain you emotionally and impact your overall mental health.

I’m a big believer in tribes, and everyone who you bring into your circle should give you a feeling of empowerment, trust and happiness. We’re growing at an alarming rate, and soon enough, with the blink of an eye, we’ll be older. I don’t have time to deal with all of this “high school bullshit” (as I put it) and neither should you, especially if you are dealing with depression or anxiety. We already beat up ourselves quite well; we don’t need another person to do the same. Whether it’s a family member, an older friend or just someone you met the other week – don’t let that guilt consume you. Free yourselves so you can get to a better and healthier you in 2019

It’s almost the end of summer in Canada, which means that I’ve been trying to get in as much face-time with those surrounding me. It’s been great catching up with everyone and discussing everything under the sun, however, what I wasn’t expecting was a general tone of disappointment.

It’s something that concerns all walks of life, and it’s how we treat one another as human beings. I never thought that the words “Kids have no respect these days” would parse through my lips at the tender age of 32, but you can bet I’ve said it more than once in the last couple of weeks. I would like to amend that sentence, however, and say that no one has respect these days. At least, that’s the perception of everyone these past weeks!

It boils down to how we treat one another; the fact that we do not care or respect anyone who is different from us is quite alarming. I see people continually putting others down for not getting something right away, for feeling anxious over something small or wearing an off-putting shirt. Why do we do this? What’s the point of berating someone for not being like you?

No one person is going to be an exact clone of you and nothing that you’re doing in your life can be marked as “perfect,” either.

Maybe if everyone got off of their high horse and realized we’re all standing at the same start point their perception could change.

Life is so much more than just one person or one family. It’s OK to be selfish once in a while, but if you base your life on the motto to “look after yourself.” you’ll start to see your private world shrink from existence. We all thrive off of one another, and the smallest action has a huge impact. We need to change who we are as a society and our negative impacts on each other and CHOOSE to build each other up.

Can you imagine what our world would be like if we all made this small change?

I’m at the ratty end of a basement remodel, and I am feeling so depleted from it all.
Everyone usually warns you of how you and your partner will be whenever a renovation happens, and even though I fully expected it to happen, I still wasn’t prepared for the emotional drain that it has put on me.

I am quite opinionated whenever it comes to big projects like this, but I decided to take a step back and let my Husband be the project manager. I’ve done the ordinary tasks with no shame. Cleaned up all the debris, knocked out all of the nails of baseboards (in record time, I might add!) and tried to come to a solution on colors and organization. I know I could do more, but I’m trying to respect his decision and stay out of his hair. Saturday morning we got into a fight of how he feels that he’s doing the majority of the work and I just wanted to rip my hair out!

Even though he has taken the brunt end of most of it, he hasn’t asked for much help on my part. I kept offering my help many times, but I stopped at a certain point since he never accepted it. I have a lot of experience when it comes to hands-on work, and I never shy away from a hammer so it’s tough for me to accept that I’m not as involved as I’d like to be.

After our little spat, I started to shake uncontrollably. As my eyes darted back and forth, I began to question a lot of the decisions that we made and looked inward on our relationship. I immediately knew that I was over thinking, but I couldn’t shake off my anxious feeling and started to cry because I wasn’t in control. My husband caught on quite quickly and jumped over the newly grouted tiles so he could swoop me into his arms to calm me down. We stood motionless in our basement as he caressed my back gently to help regulate my breathing.

I hate my anxiety.

I hate that something like this can come out of nowhere and make me so incredibly doubtful of everything.

I hate when arguments lead me to question my relationship with said person.

Do you know what I don’t hate, though? My husband makes me feel like a ‘normal’ person when I can’t see it in myself.

After this, we went to pick up our paint colors and finally agreed not only on the hues but the placement of them. Instead of going home immediately, we went to a local burger joint and took a well deserve and needed break from our mess of a house. It’s always crucial to make sure that you don’t forget who you are as a person and who you are as a couple, knowing that we both needed that space away from our project was our blessing in disguise.

We spent the next day painting the majority of our basement, and I’m happy to say that we’re both feeling relieved that we’re in the home stretch!

I’m celebrating my two year wedding anniversary today!

My husband and I have been together for roughly seven years, and our relationship is far from ‘normal.’ We met under some weird circumstances – if you’d like to hear the full story, you can go here for a Drunk History re-enactment (Thank you wedding party!)

When we first met, I pushed my husband to pursue his dream of being a sound recordist for television/film. Even though I knew that this switch would be hard and frustrating, I wasn’t entirely prepared for what was to come. Not having a steady paycheck meant that I needed to compromise and go back into the corporate world and retire my makeup brushes. I wasn’t overly upset about this, freelancing was almost a joke in my field, and you were swimming in a full pool. What caught me off guard was the conflict in schedules.

My husband takes pride in his field, works hard and submits to crazy hours. We don’t get the average quality time that most couples do – in fact, most of my mornings are spent alone as he sleeps off his 12 hour day. During his busy season, I will be lucky to spend a full day with him.

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My mornings usually look like this

These work hours have not only affected our relationship but has cost him friendships and family time. In the beginning stages of our relationship, this was hard for me to grasp. My anxiety got the best of me, and I started to have doubts, and my fear of abandonment went full throttle – you know what did help? Knowing that we were both never going to give up on each other. He was always there to reassure me and never left my side, even when I couldn’t see past my emotions at that moment.

After years of going through the motions and reading all the relationship advice I could get, I can proudly say that my husband works like this so he can be successful and make our dreams come true. It’s not the fact that he enjoys no quality time and working long hours, he does this because he loves our home and would do anything to make us happy. I’m guilty of not seeing this in the beginning – I’m guilty of not praising him the way that he deserves.

Today I want to acknowledge my husband for all of the hard work and perseverance that he has shown me over the years. I beam with pride whenever I think of his career and how far he’s come in this short amount of time. I respect his work ethic, his intelligence, and his core values. I am thankful for his emotional strength during the lows and his sense of humor during the highs. For better or worse, I am honored to call you my husband.

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