Last year when I wrote my reflections, I left out some huge news that I didn’t make public until February. I was PREGNANT! I was ecstatic but reserved the news for many reasons. It wasn’t until my grandmother was admitted to the ICU that I made the news public, hoping that my good news could at least soften the blow. 

When we lost her days after her birthday in March, I was gutted. My grandmother meant a lot to me; I considered her a mother when I lost mine at 11. I was unable to say goodbye to her properly while she was in the hospital and felt a ping of guilt. The problem was, pregnancy was not kind to me, and I suffered morning sickness constantly. Making a trip over 500 km by myself seemed impossible, so I did what was best for the baby and me and stayed behind until we needed to go. 

When it came time for her funeral, I was anxious to go, but my husband and mother-in-law joined me. We piled up into her car and started our journey, little did I know what was in store for us. 

Not even an hour into our drive, we were hit with a freak white-out storm. We started to hear cars crashing all around us, and even though my mother-in-law slowed down, we were smack dab in the middle of a pile-up. We were hit three times, but I can only remember two of the vehicles. I was in complete shock and feared for my unborn baby. I cradled my stomach thinking it would protect her. 

An 18-wheeler hit the back, causing the trunk to fold like an accordion and smash the glass within. A pickup truck hit my side, the passengers, which caused the mirror to fly off and dent the door so I badly I couldn’t exit. It wasn’t until hours later when everything settled that I realized, if that pickup truck was an inch closer to the left, I might not even be here. The car was a complete write-off, and people were taken away by ambulances. Several days later, I would find out that my ribs were out of place, but that didn’t warrant an immediate hospital visit. I couldn’t believe our luck, but somehow I knew my grandmother was there protecting us. 

I was on high alert and couldn’t even call my family in Montreal to let them know that we would not continue our drive; my husband did it for me. Going to bed that night was difficult as more guilt crept in over missing the service the following day. I was able to call in and hear my best friend read my speech, but it was not the same. I know that if she were still here, she would have been upset if I came in after that ordeal, but that didn’t make the guilt surpass.


My first realization of the year – No matter how prepared you think you are for the death of a loved one, it still hurts.


I was able to say goodbye with a shiva service in Ontario and again at her gravesite in June. At that point, I was close to 8 months pregnant, going through a depression, and trying to find the good that surrounded me. It was hard, and I struggled. People kept reiterating that they were there for me, but they only meant it in a certain way.  


To keep myself occupied, I kept working on my first book, Albatross, and was determined to get it published before Eve made her appearance in August. The story behind Albatross is very personal and tells my story of leaving a toxic family in Montreal. I knew that I had to get this published before I started my life as a mom, I kept thinking, “
Out with the old and in with the new.” In early August, I was finally able to publish it, and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I’d been so anxious and doubtful if I should even share my story, but I knew that was the old way of thinking.


My second realization of the year –
“Sometimes you have to accept something for what it is and move on.”
I needed to overcome my past, and I did by making it public. I’m hopeful that someone else who went through something similar can find solace in my words.


The days that followed were filled with a bundled of nerves. I was about to become a mom and felt an overwhelming sensation of nerves, joy, panic and love. Even though I still surged with depression, I was ready for the next step. Part of me knew I was feeling this way due to my hormones, so I was impatient with wanting to give birth to her. I was ready to feel elated, to provide all the love inside of me to a tiny human, to finally put my roots into the ground and start my own family. 

On August 13th, I met the new love of my life and best friend, Eve.
Even though I read all the books, I wasn’t prepared for the first couple of months – and I think that’s normal. You need to learn along with your baby what’s best for both of you, and even though I was tired as hell, I was ready for this chapter.


It’s true what they say about becoming a mother and losing some friendships. I didn’t care, which is a massive step for me. I usually would overthink and be a worrywart, but my perception has changed drastically, and I now have other priorities. I didn’t have the energy to fight or put in the effort when the other party didn’t do the same. 


My final realization of the year –
Everything happens for a reason, and you’re not always going to get the closure/explanation you think you deserve. That has been a hard one to grasp, but once you stop caring, you can truly live your life. 


I am thankful for my real friends who called, visited and stayed on top of my mentality throughout the full year. Even if it was just a quick “thinking of you” message, it was much appreciated in my down moments.


As I think back on this year, I could easily say that it was hard and trying, but I needed to go through the rough times to get to the better ones. I’m still not where I want to be emotionally, but I am getting there and can say that I am hopeful for 2020 to bring more good moments than bad.


To all my readers, thank you for letting me be a part of your life. Writing out my feelings, reflections, and everything in-between has always helped my anxieties, and I hope I have helped in any way, shape or form with yours. Happy Holidays and cheers to the New Year

I won’t lie, this year has been a little bit of a struggle for me.

I started the year with a determination that every week I would post on my blog with new and exciting topics that we all encounter. Unfortunately, I forgot how life likes to take control of your plans and got pushed into many directions. I honestly tried my best to keep up with my writing, but there were days that I just needed a break from my thoughts. I took seven full mental health days this year from my blog, and I am not even apologetic.

In May, I took a stay-cation of 5 days to spend with my family who came from B.C. It wasn’t a typical vacation by any means; we spent the majority of our time renovating our basement. Even though we did have several day trips in our schedule, I was utterly exhausted.
I went back to work with the worst mentality, and everything suffered: my workload, my interpersonal relationships, and my overall anxiety. I was heating up over the smallest things, and I had several outbursts that caused my boss to sit me down to relay that co-workers said I was difficult. I burst into tears right then and there – I wasn’t aware of how terrible things had gotten even though I was currently living through it. I felt lost and unsure in my position.

I knew things had to change drastically, so I put on my fake smile and went on with my work day. However, that still brought all of my anxieties and worries back home. I always try my best to leave work-related issues at bay, but I was at a bottleneck point and didn’t know what else to do. Bringing this all home caused a strain on my relationship with my husband, even though he was trying to be the best support system that he could while going through his issues.

Things took a turn when I got into my first car accident, in July, a minute away from my house. This accident was technically my fault, and even though I wanted to seethe through my teeth, I took full accountability for my actions. I still remember the panic that coursed through my body and recognizing how mangled my mentality was becoming. July was my turning point when I took my first mental health day and wrote the following week: Signs When You Need to Take a Break

I was hoping for things to turn around, but both my husband and I got hit with a lot of unexpected changes. A close personal friend of mine was laid-off, and I was so devastated that I excused myself from work for the remainder of the day. Drastic change has never been a positive outcome for me, and I started to worry that I had taken so many days off already. Suddenly, my husband’s mentor passed away, and it was gut-wrenching. I had to remove myself out of my self-consuming issues and be my husband’s rock which was not an easy feat.

I tried my hardest, I honestly did, but when I got into my second car accident in September, I lost it. Not a lot of people know about this accident because I started to become my introverted self again. I was on the highway, slowing down to a full stop (as the car in front of me) when BAM! A car going 120km/h reared into me, which caused me to hit the car in front. I was shell-shocked and in a daze. When the officer came around to check on me, all I could reiterate was “I have anxiety.” From my glazed over eyes, he could tell and kept repeating his name, badge and next steps over and over again. Repetition might seem mundane to most people, but it’s critical when someone is experiencing any form of anxiety. After giving all of the information to our local station, I started to feel a pain in my neck. I called my mother-in-law to come to pick me up, and I went directly to the walk-in to confirm that I had no signs of whiplash. Through insurance, I was given an allocated amount of money towards physio and spent the last week of September and all of October trying to get in a better physical state. Those who cared checked up on me, while others showed their true colours. I lost two significant friendships in this month, one whom I’ve known since Grade 6. I considered him family, and my hurt was beyond that of friendship; I felt as if I lost a brother. My husband couldn’t understand this, and kept reiterating that friendships do fall apart sometimes – I do agree with him, but this was far worse than I could have imagined.

Luckily for both of us, we had booked a MUCH needed vacation to Mexico to spend my Husbands 35th Birthday on Day of the Dead. We spent the next eight days away from our reality. I couldn’t have asked for a better trip with my husband, we got so incredibly close to one another during this trip and our communication excelled when we discussed our plans for 2019. I felt recalibrated and was ready to go back home and face everything that 2018 threw at me. Unfortunately, the last two days of our trip I was sick due to heat exhaustion, but, I’ll take the bad with the good on this one!

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Day of the Dead at Silversands Resort

When I got back, I ditched my old doctor and found a new one closer to my area whom also services my husband and mother-in-law. We spent weeks going in depth with everything that was happening to me, and I was elated to see that he did care for my well-being. I went through many tests to make sure that I was back on track physically and emotionally.
I even stepped out of my comfort zone and did a photo shoot with a friend of mine who brought my spirits up tenfold!

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@175ish Miss November

I finally felt as if my life was back on track after seven months of “whatever-the-hell-that-was.” I know things can’t always be sunshine and rainbows, and I don’t expect them to be either, but when you get into those states of anxiety or depression, it can seem as if there is no end in sight. However, everyone should know that once you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up (Corny, I know). Anxiety has been rough to live with, but I am happy that I’m making it a part of my life now and owning it. Here I am, at the end of December, stronger than I was at the beginning of the year. I appreciate all of the learning experiences that I’ve had this year and plan on tackling them head-on in 2019.

I wish you all a Happy New Year and for you all to know it’s OK to not have a great year – just know that things eventually do turn out better.

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Having anxiety is a constant battle and most days that voice tells me that I’m weak, I shouldn’t speak up and become self-consciousness about everything.

It’s exhausting

I know that I’m hard on myself and I strive to push past this every day – I refuse to let anxiety control my life.

Easier said than done

With the New Year right around the corner, I always become reflective:
What was the biggest lesson I learned? What was the biggest risk I took? What surprised me this year?

Trying to put the positives in light knowing that my over-thinking will soon take hold
Here’s a list of everything you did wrong: You couldn’t overcome THIS challenge, You cannot assert yourself in confrontations, why on EARTH do you even bother talking?

So, this post is for all of my anxiety-ridden people who think that the negative aspects outweigh the positive.

They don’t

Proud of Little Things

Look at this past year and think:

I did it! I made it through each day!

You should be proud of how spirited you are. Impressed that you found that motivation to get out of bed. Pleased that you gain the power to ignore your anxious thoughts most days and live life to the best of your ability.

You’ve tried so hard, put in so much effort, and have gone so far.

My only wish: The New Year brings more memorable and joyful memories for you all