I won’t lie, this year has been a little bit of a struggle for me.

I started the year with a determination that every week I would post on my blog with new and exciting topics that we all encounter. Unfortunately, I forgot how life likes to take control of your plans and got pushed into many directions. I honestly tried my best to keep up with my writing, but there were days that I just needed a break from my thoughts. I took seven full mental health days this year from my blog, and I am not even apologetic.

In May, I took a stay-cation of 5 days to spend with my family who came from B.C. It wasn’t a typical vacation by any means; we spent the majority of our time renovating our basement. Even though we did have several day trips in our schedule, I was utterly exhausted.
I went back to work with the worst mentality, and everything suffered: my workload, my interpersonal relationships, and my overall anxiety. I was heating up over the smallest things, and I had several outbursts that caused my boss to sit me down to relay that co-workers said I was difficult. I burst into tears right then and there – I wasn’t aware of how terrible things had gotten even though I was currently living through it. I felt lost and unsure in my position.

I knew things had to change drastically, so I put on my fake smile and went on with my work day. However, that still brought all of my anxieties and worries back home. I always try my best to leave work-related issues at bay, but I was at a bottleneck point and didn’t know what else to do. Bringing this all home caused a strain on my relationship with my husband, even though he was trying to be the best support system that he could while going through his issues.

Things took a turn when I got into my first car accident, in July, a minute away from my house. This accident was technically my fault, and even though I wanted to seethe through my teeth, I took full accountability for my actions. I still remember the panic that coursed through my body and recognizing how mangled my mentality was becoming. July was my turning point when I took my first mental health day and wrote the following week: Signs When You Need to Take a Break

I was hoping for things to turn around, but both my husband and I got hit with a lot of unexpected changes. A close personal friend of mine was laid-off, and I was so devastated that I excused myself from work for the remainder of the day. Drastic change has never been a positive outcome for me, and I started to worry that I had taken so many days off already. Suddenly, my husband’s mentor passed away, and it was gut-wrenching. I had to remove myself out of my self-consuming issues and be my husband’s rock which was not an easy feat.

I tried my hardest, I honestly did, but when I got into my second car accident in September, I lost it. Not a lot of people know about this accident because I started to become my introverted self again. I was on the highway, slowing down to a full stop (as the car in front of me) when BAM! A car going 120km/h reared into me, which caused me to hit the car in front. I was shell-shocked and in a daze. When the officer came around to check on me, all I could reiterate was “I have anxiety.” From my glazed over eyes, he could tell and kept repeating his name, badge and next steps over and over again. Repetition might seem mundane to most people, but it’s critical when someone is experiencing any form of anxiety. After giving all of the information to our local station, I started to feel a pain in my neck. I called my mother-in-law to come to pick me up, and I went directly to the walk-in to confirm that I had no signs of whiplash. Through insurance, I was given an allocated amount of money towards physio and spent the last week of September and all of October trying to get in a better physical state. Those who cared checked up on me, while others showed their true colours. I lost two significant friendships in this month, one whom I’ve known since Grade 6. I considered him family, and my hurt was beyond that of friendship; I felt as if I lost a brother. My husband couldn’t understand this, and kept reiterating that friendships do fall apart sometimes – I do agree with him, but this was far worse than I could have imagined.

Luckily for both of us, we had booked a MUCH needed vacation to Mexico to spend my Husbands 35th Birthday on Day of the Dead. We spent the next eight days away from our reality. I couldn’t have asked for a better trip with my husband, we got so incredibly close to one another during this trip and our communication excelled when we discussed our plans for 2019. I felt recalibrated and was ready to go back home and face everything that 2018 threw at me. Unfortunately, the last two days of our trip I was sick due to heat exhaustion, but, I’ll take the bad with the good on this one!

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Day of the Dead at Silversands Resort

When I got back, I ditched my old doctor and found a new one closer to my area whom also services my husband and mother-in-law. We spent weeks going in depth with everything that was happening to me, and I was elated to see that he did care for my well-being. I went through many tests to make sure that I was back on track physically and emotionally.
I even stepped out of my comfort zone and did a photo shoot with a friend of mine who brought my spirits up tenfold!

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@175ish Miss November

I finally felt as if my life was back on track after seven months of “whatever-the-hell-that-was.” I know things can’t always be sunshine and rainbows, and I don’t expect them to be either, but when you get into those states of anxiety or depression, it can seem as if there is no end in sight. However, everyone should know that once you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up (Corny, I know). Anxiety has been rough to live with, but I am happy that I’m making it a part of my life now and owning it. Here I am, at the end of December, stronger than I was at the beginning of the year. I appreciate all of the learning experiences that I’ve had this year and plan on tackling them head-on in 2019.

I wish you all a Happy New Year and for you all to know it’s OK to not have a great year – just know that things eventually do turn out better.

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A lot of people don’t notice that I have anxiety – my quirkiness & randomness that I’ve procured over the years has masked it so well that my label is the eccentric of the group. I tend to be quite reclusive when it comes to my anxiety; I hold a lot in while I still smile on the outside. I feel too much, but go on with my day, even if I want to crawl under my comforter and camp out for the day. On the outside, to everyone else, it may seem like I have my life together. However, no matter how many great and positive things are going on in my life, I’m in constant fear of what I can lose. I can thank my past for that, and unfortunately, no matter how many times people try to reassure me, it’s still festering in the back of my brain.

Anxiety is always there, it never disappears. It shows up in different forms throughout the day like panic spouts, over-thinking, stress-sweating, migraines, etc. You name it; I most likely have experienced it. I’ve developed several habits of picking at my skin, playing with my hair & crossing my arms frequently. Since I was a kid, it was made clear that I needed to be seen and not heard, and unfortunately, that mentality was consistent until I left my surroundings at the age of 19. I was berated for being different and continuously told everything was my fault. You start to believe it, and instead of getting treated for anxiety, I felt alone and silent. Anxious feelings find a way to try and consume you, continually battling every day, you have no time off from it.

I’ve been on high alert recently. A lot of small things have just been piling on top of one another, and I feel I’m at a bottleneck point.

My usual step to combat this is to distract myself. I keep myself overly busy when I really should be doing the opposite. I throw myself into work and plug away, so I’m not alone with my thoughts for too long. I’ll reach out to everyone surrounding me to listen to their issues and offer advice when in reality I wish someone would do the same for me. I continuously strive for perfection, but I’m my own worst critic and will ‘beat myself up’ for not getting something done off of my to-do list. I’m so hard on myself, but I’m so happy that I went to therapy so I could understand that all humans make mistakes and things will be OK.

Even though I know this, whenever things get this stressful, I isolate myself. Isolation has been the coping mechanism that I’ve developed from a young age, and this is my comfort. Even though I do this, I find myself lonely. Friends and some family don’t understand why certain things are hard for me, why I leave events without notice or have a hard time accepting a compliment. They’ve all come to accept this as “my thing” and have stopped inviting me out or checking up on me. I’ve been having a hard time accepting this at this point in my life, but a great friend reminded me that it’s not the quantity of your tribe, but the quality. I know she’s right, and I wish I could push through this feeling, but I’m finding it harder than usual. It’s most likely because I give 100% of myself to my friends, and when that effort isn’t reciprocated, I feel as if my energy went to waste.

I’ll continue to push on because that’s what I do. Years ago I made a promise to myself that I would never let myself be a doormat again – I am transparent, honest and blunt. I will never apologize for who I am – this is me.