Back to the grind

Have you ever whispered to yourself, “I never thought I would be that parent” when facing certain situations? In the last couple of weeks, I’ve caught myself saying this, especially when my husband set up the play tent we acquired for our ten-month-old. Our ‘never spoil’ mission being thrown out the window almost immediately.

What caught me off guard was going back to work. For months I’ve been battling the notion that I will not be my daughters sole caretaker anymore, and it’s been daunting. I’ve weighed the pros and cons numerous times, going back to work ticked off boxes in all categories, so why do I feel guilty?

Due to COVID-19, my entire team is working from home with no real date as to when we will be physically back in the office. Since I am home, I have taken over the dual office I share with my husband and am revamping my station to support my workload’s technical aspects.
My husband, who’s been off work for months now, has taken full reign over our Daughters schedule with her grandmother taking her twice a week.

My first day back, my daughter wasn’t here, and I wasn’t able to login to anything, it almost felt like a ‘day off’ from everything. I didn’t feel bad or guilty; I thought I had it under control. It was only the second day when both my husband and daughter were downstairs, and I heard her giggle that the waterworks showed up. I am glad I didn’t have a virtual meeting for others to see how much I missed my daughter.

She’s right downstairs though, how can you miss her?!

There is so much that I miss.
I miss being the first person that she sees whenever she wakes up.
I miss talking to her about our day and what I had planned.
I miss our daily walks.
I miss teaching her how to climb stairs, cruise and/or walk.
I miss being the one making her giggle like an idiot.

I went from undivided attention to a working mom, thinking my daughter would have an issue with it, but it’s only me. I never thought that I would miss every aspect of being a stay-at-home parent, but I do (ok, not ALL aspects, I can do without the constant cleaning!)

My anxiety has been flaring up on top of this new adjustment, and I am overthinking the moments and milestones that I will miss. I’ve already missed her initial crawling, and it seems like any day now she’ll start cruising between our furniture without our help. I know that it’s impossible to be there for everything, and it seems silly to get upset over things that haven’t happened yet. What can I say? Having anxiety is a full-time gig, and I am the CEO.

Now that we’re adjusting to our new normal, I know that I can do a better job of managing my anxiety. First and foremost, I need to maintain a balanced lifestyle. We’re all currently working on this as a family, but I know I need a better diet & exercise. With the 1 pound I lost this week, it’s motivation to continue with the crap I’ve cut out while figuring out how to get moving.

It might take some time to adjust to not being with my daughter constantly, but I know she is in good hands with her Dad/Grandmother, and I’m thankful for that.

Maybe I’ll cry tomorrow

Some of you have noticed my absence on here, and I just wanted to touch base.

As I mentioned in a few posts before, I’ve been in isolation months before this quarantine took effect. I would say that I’ve been a homebody for almost 6 months now. Being home has been a challenge on my mental health, and it’s also taken a toll on my relationship with others.

When things are too much, I generally back away, and that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been trying my best to tread in the shallow water while observing the catastrophes surrounding me.

My husband has been unemployed for 10 months now, and the stress of that has been eating away. With no real start date on when things will turn around for the film industry, it’s been a struggle for us to stay positive. My maternity leave will end soon, and I am shrouded with uncertainty even though I am excited to get back to my old routine. It’s hard for me to fall asleep most nights now because my mind is racing with what-ifs. I am exhausted in more ways than one.

My health isn’t any better, and I am entirely to blame for the majority of it.
I’ve gained back all of the weight that I lost months after giving birth. I am not as active as I once was, and that’s given me a slew of secondary issues that make it hard to find the motivation to get up and go. Walking up and down the stairs with my daughter is leaving me breathless, and I’m on the verge of tears, thinking I won’t be able to catch up to her soon.

I’ve also been dealing with jaw problems and perimenopause symptoms, which are the icing on top of everything else.

I can hear people getting annoyed whenever I bring some of these things up, so I’ve just stopped. I preach about opening up and talking, yet here I am doing the opposite. In the grand scheme of things, complaining seems trivial. Who has time to complain about my relationship with my husband, my extreme exhaustion, or the severe daily hot flashes when there are more significant issues? From my perspective, everyone is going through their own shit, so mine seems mundane.

My heart is heavy for the world.
It’s been a challenge to be an empath during these unprecedented times. I’ve tried to limit my social media or news outlets to get a breather, but that is only good for maybe a day or two.

When I watch my daughter play, my chest gets heavy. My anxiety-ridden mind wonders why I would bring a tiny human into a broken world. Her slobbery kisses generally ground me back, but those thoughts can jump back at any moment.

I’m trying to stay hopeful that things will get better soon, but some days it’s hard to be positive. I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking this, so for those who are also struggling: I feel you.

I do not want to mother on Mother’s Day

Today is Mother’s Day, and I am currently hiding from my family upstairs. I told my husband the day previous that what I wanted was an anti mother’s day. All of the things that I usually do on a day-to-day basis were to fall on his shoulders and not bother me.
That includes:
No waking up at 6:15 am
Not feeding/changing my daughter.
No cleaning or maintaining the house
Not to be interrupted from my shower
No planning activities or schedules

When I laid this out, I felt a tinge of guilt. I love my family, and I want to be around my child, but I am just so tired of everything falling on my shoulders. I’m not asking for much – I’m only asking for my husband to be the mother on this day while I carve out time for writing, catching up on shows I usually can’t and just having some quiet time that I desperately miss.

When I woke up at 8:30 this morning, I jumped into a long, hot shower. I was able to sit and blow dry my long hair, put on some minimal makeup and dressed up. I can’t even tell you the last time I had the morning to myself, it was lovely. I went downstairs to make myself a cup of coffee, only to be greeted with a hot meal and slobbery kisses from my daughter. I wasn’t expecting the hot meal and graciously ate it all up. I kissed my daughter on her forehead, leaving a small trace of the lipstick I applied. I then grabbed my laptop, a book and parked myself in our spare room.

Some mothers love flowers, chocolate, brunch, etc. I wouldn’t complain if I were to receive them, but I much prefer having to do nothing today. Eventually, I will be leaving this room to spend some much quality time with them both, but I am thankful to get this “me” time.

Wishing all mothers, conventional or not, a happy mother’s day!

Dear Mama

The last few weeks have been challenging and bittersweet. My daughter has been reaching new milestones, and it’s been amazing to watch her grow as a person. Even though I am beaming with pride, I find myself shrouded with guilt and grief.

When I left my toxic family home at the age of eighteen, there wasn’t much that I could bring with me. Things that I never thought I would need were left behind, which held a lot of meaning. For instance, my ‘baby book’ that my adoptive mother curated. It contained all of my milestones and a golden lock from my first hair cut. Now that I have a child of my own, I am longing for these connections and comparisons.

Over the years, I’ve accepted the fact that I don’t have roots, as many other people do. Although at times it can be painful, I know that I cannot blame myself for what happened. I cannot blame myself for not taking that baby book when the only thing surging through my body was flight mode.

Whenever I get into this mind-frame, I think about my adoptive mother. I think of all the love that we shared in the short amount of time that we had together. I’m so glad that those memories of happiness can still burst through the dark times.

Grief has a funny way of showing up, and I think it’s amplified now due to our quarantine. We grieve for the loss of our freedom, jobs, and normalcy. It’s only natural for the loss of someone important to us to jump in. It doesn’t matter when we lost said person; it could be days, months, or twenty-two years.
I try my best to push through the guilt and grief… but it’s hard.
We need to remind ourselves that we can’t be perfect every day, and some days will be harder than others. I just so happen to be going through a harder day today, but I know tomorrow won’t be the same.

I do wish my mother was still here, and I think on some spiritual level she is. As each day passes with my daughter, I realize that I am my mother. I am everything I ever wanted her to be, and for that, I am thankful.

Sleepless Nights

I usually have a hard time falling asleep. Even when I’m exhausted, my anxiety seems to thrive during the night, and it can take me hours to just doze off.

I’ve started to become more conscious of my body while I’m lying down. A lot of my limbs are stiff, clenched hands, crooked neck, etc.
I started to do a big stretch while I’m in bed to help loosen me up, but the real culprit here is my hands/wrists.
When my anxiety washes over, my hands can be found in awkward positions, so I’ve started to lay them flat by my side (or on my stomach) while controlling my breathing.
This act alone has been making me fall asleep almost instantly; I couldn’t believe it.

However, when the anxiety is a little too much some nights, I rely on “Sleep Stories.”

I listen to these through the Calm app, but you can easily find some free ones online.
I find some can be hit or miss, especially the voices of the actors, but with the few that DO help (and are saved in my favourite) they are AH-mazing

Here’s a link to a free one from one of my favourites, Erik Braa – I could seriously listen to him all night

If you do suffer from sleeping disorders, unfortunately, I don’t think my suggestions would help, but it doesn’t hurt to try! When worst comes to worst, I rely on Zzzquil, which is medicinal. There is no shame in needing medication to help you fall asleep

Why is sleep so important?
It helps with your optimal health: concentration, productivity, emotions and social interactions.
Having a poor sleep can affect your weight, immune system and overall mental health.
It might be hard to practice in the middle of a pandemic, but I urge you to try and get in a better routine. Remember, our mental health during this phase is extremely important and we’re all in this together

Isolation Update

I have a confession to make – I’ve been in isolation way before our government told us to stay home.

I have a problem with winter; It’s my least favourite season. I hate all outdoor activities that come with it, and the cold chills me to my bone. During this time, I tend to retreat in my house and only make it outside if necessary.
It’s only when the weather takes a turn that I find the motivation to get out, and that just so happened to be when COVID-19 became a global pandemic.

I guess you can say that I’ve been in isolation for four months now, and fuck is it lonely.

I don’t generally cuss on this blog, but I feel like it’s warranted here.

Since my last post, I’ve been watching friends and family afar try to make normalcy out of this chaos. I see almost daily posts of different learning activities parents think of for their children, people getting to chores that they planned months (or even years) ago, and a lot of people baking bread. The scramble for productivity makes me feel as if I should be doing more than the roller coaster that I’m currently on.

I have days where I will bake that bread or make hummus, but then the following days, you can find me eating cereal for dinner with the pyjamas that I’ve had on the night before. My introverted self wouldn’t mind this quarantine, but since I’ve been self-isolated for so long, I feel like this is my new normal. Do I like it? I’m not even sure. One thing is for sure in my mind, though; nothing will ever be the same again.

There’s a lot of small things that I miss
I miss being able to walk to my local coffee shop and sit amongst the other writers
I miss going to the park with my daughter, even though I only did it once.
I miss getting in my car and driving to my friends’ house five minutes away just to say ‘hi.’
I miss being able to go to the gym and work out my frustrations.

So much has changed in such a little time, for everyone.
I can only imagine how the extroverts are feeling at a time like this. If this introvert is feeling lost and unsure, then how are THEY feeling? WHO WILL LOOK AFTER THE EXTROVERTS? (Kidding)

Someone asked me last week how my anxiety was during all of this, and I just shrugged to myself. Being in a constant state of fear is my jam – this is my normal state. Now you kind of know what my brain goes through daily. Welcome to the suck.

If you’re feeling like me, it’s only normal. There’s no right or wrong way to live out this quarantine. I’m taking it day by day, knowing that the two-week extension on Ontario’s State of Emergency will most likely be extended once again come April. I would mentally prepare for this.

What I will reiterate, as I always do in this blog, is to communicate with someone on how you’re feeling. Your priority during all of this should be your mental health before you check on someone else’s, and PLEASE do check up on those who need it. One thing that I hated the most before COVID-19 happened was video calls, and now, it seems it’s all I do to keep my daughter connected to her family.  In the end, the people who need you the most will remember what you did or didn’t do during this time.

 

Crisis and Anxiety

I’ve been pretty silent for the last few weeks. It’s hard for me to put into words how our global pandemic has caused distress and flared anxiety in the majority of our population. I’ve been watching online and have seen shortages of toilet paper, hoarding of hand sanitizer and officers standing outside of grocery stores. It’s been one hell of a year this week.

Ontario has made decisions on travel restrictions, lockdowns and closures. We’ve been advised to stay at home for the next two weeks; they’re calling it “social distancing.” As an introvert, I can joke about this situation and mention that I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. In reality, my anxiety hasn’t flared as much as I thought it would. I do plan on staying home in a personal quarantine with my family, not in fear of contracting the COVID-19, but in fear of me potentially becoming a carrier to those who will not be able to fight it off.

I saw a disheartening photo the other day of an older woman doing her shopping with bare shelves. She looked confused, holding an empty bag, and all I could do was cry. We, as a collective, need to think of others in this situation instead of buying rolls of toilet paper that no human can even use within the calendar year. I understand that it can be hard to do when the media is projecting fear on us, but I know deep down that we’re better than this.

One thing that can help anyone with anxiety over what’s going on is to limit your news time. Even though we all want to keep up to date with what is going on, 24-hour-news is a compulsive outlet that will keep feeding on your anxiety. Try limiting your time or going on a mini-hiatus

The best thing to take my mind off of anything is to stay busy. I’ve decided to start my spring cleaning, but you can do it in any other way, like exercising, finishing off those craft projects, etc.

If you find yourself in a worrying state, don’t forget to breathe and practice grounding techniques. You can see examples online or within my blog – but I keep breathing exercises saved on my phone for moments like these.

Don’t google your symptoms. Dr. Google never helped anyone. If you DO feel flu-ish or short of breath, stay at home and call your doctor. They will let you know whether or not to obtain more critical care if needed.

And last but not least, don’t forget that your anxiety is not permanent. I know right now it feels like this will never end, but even in a crisis like this, we need to remember to keep things in perspective.

Mind-Reading

The last thinking trap that I posted about was Jumping to Conclusions (embed) – Now, to delve a little deeper, I would like to talk about mind reading. It’s a sub-section of jumping to conclusions and very popular when reacting to a certain situation.

What is mind-reading? When we assume what others are thinking and feeling without having any evidence to support this idea.

Example: Walking past a group of people who are whispering and laughing, thinking that they’re talking about you.

A mind-reading superpower would be completely beneficial in this instance, so you can confirm if your response to this assumption should be true or not. It’s highly likely that it’s not true, but our minds are funny this way

Since this superpower is non-existent, we need to challenge this thinking trap that we put ourselves into.

Ask yourself these realistic questions:
What evidence do you have that this is what the person/people are thinking?
Have they said this to you, or are you imagining what they might be thinking?

It’s effortless to assume what others might be thinking, but if you don’t investigate your assumptions, you’ll be prone to think negatively with every interaction. Withdrawing from this situation might seem valid, but you’ll never know if you don’t ask.

In this instance, I’m not saying to go up to this group and demand to know if they were talking about you. My god, that alone is anxiety-inducing in itself! (If you can do this, honestly, KUDOS to you!)
All I’m saying is to think critically in these situations, and don’t jump the gun on what others are thinking or feeling.

BUT if you do somehow gain this superpower, please give it to others with anxiety!

Motherhood: Organized Chaos

Motherhood is weird and also beautiful.

I feel like I’m living smack dab in the middle of ‘always perfect’ and ‘constant struggle’ but also feel like maybe this is just motherhood? (Or Parenthood). I’ve been adjusting, balancing and learning as I go and get easily frustrated when my anxiety breaks down the door without an invitation.

Did you know that hearing phantom baby cries is a thing?

My husband and I both hear it at night when we’re trying to relax, fall asleep; basically, whenever we put her down, we’re on high alert. I can wake up from a dead sleep, jump out of my bed thinking that I hear her crying – when in fact, she is sound asleep. This adrenaline rush surges through my body and falling back asleep is a struggle. The lack of sleep always clouds my better judgement, and I feel sluggish the next day when I’m at her beck and call.

The six-month growing pains on top of teething has shown us a constant cry and sheer frustration on all of our parts. To top it all off, I was going through a medical issue that almost admitted me to the hospital. It was scary, but I was very fortunate to have people on my side, including my best friend who was in town to visit. My mind started to rush with ‘what-ifs,’ the most pertinent one being – what if I suddenly died.  I know, I know – I had no evidence suggesting that I would, but this is where my mind goes when I’m in an anxious state.
When my mother-in-law offered to take her for the night so I could sleep, I jumped at the chance. I slept for 10 hours. Those thoughts seemed silly after I got the rest.

Then I have my great days – where I don’t feel so overwhelmed or in a monotonous schedule. Where it seems like my constant moving and cleaning is ACTUALLY noticed. Watching her grow has been so rewarding on many levels. Every day seems like a new adventure for us both, and I’m already dreading the fact that I’ll have to go back to work in June.

I keep waiting for things to level out, but I don’t think they will. Guess I’ll just welcome this organized chaos and roll with the punches!

There’s an App for that!

It’s hard to ask for help, but luckily in today’s society, there’s an app for that!

Even though I preach of talking to others, its hard to take that first step to open up about what we struggle with. I blog openly about it so others can be inspired to do the same, but if you’re still not brave or bold enough, try some of these apps to help you out!

Please keep in mind that some of these apps do have in-store purchases, so please review them before downloading and using – Make sure you get the app that’s right for you!

CBT Thought Diary
CBT Companion
CBT Nuggets
DBT Coach
Mindshift CBT
Moodpath
Quirk CBT
Sanvello
Woebot
Wysa
Youper

For Mindfulness
Aura
Balance: Meditation
Breathe: Meditation & Sleep
Calm
Headspace
Insight Timer
The Mindfulness App
Mindfulness Coach
#Mindful
Mindfulness with Petit Bambou
Reflectly
Smiling Mind

For Journaling

Daylio Journal
Happy Feed
Moody
Mood App
Mood Panda
Moodwell

Do you have any suggestions to add? Please comment below!