Motherhood: Organized Chaos

Motherhood is weird and also beautiful.

I feel like I’m living smack dab in the middle of ‘always perfect’ and ‘constant struggle’ but also feel like maybe this is just motherhood? (Or Parenthood). I’ve been adjusting, balancing and learning as I go and get easily frustrated when my anxiety breaks down the door without an invitation.

Did you know that hearing phantom baby cries is a thing?

My husband and I both hear it at night when we’re trying to relax, fall asleep; basically, whenever we put her down, we’re on high alert. I can wake up from a dead sleep, jump out of my bed thinking that I hear her crying – when in fact, she is sound asleep. This adrenaline rush surges through my body and falling back asleep is a struggle. The lack of sleep always clouds my better judgement, and I feel sluggish the next day when I’m at her beck and call.

The six-month growing pains on top of teething has shown us a constant cry and sheer frustration on all of our parts. To top it all off, I was going through a medical issue that almost admitted me to the hospital. It was scary, but I was very fortunate to have people on my side, including my best friend who was in town to visit. My mind started to rush with ‘what-ifs,’ the most pertinent one being – what if I suddenly died.  I know, I know – I had no evidence suggesting that I would, but this is where my mind goes when I’m in an anxious state.
When my mother-in-law offered to take her for the night so I could sleep, I jumped at the chance. I slept for 10 hours. Those thoughts seemed silly after I got the rest.

Then I have my great days – where I don’t feel so overwhelmed or in a monotonous schedule. Where it seems like my constant moving and cleaning is ACTUALLY noticed. Watching her grow has been so rewarding on many levels. Every day seems like a new adventure for us both, and I’m already dreading the fact that I’ll have to go back to work in June.

I keep waiting for things to level out, but I don’t think they will. Guess I’ll just welcome this organized chaos and roll with the punches!

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