I’ve been toying with the idea to start up an advice column for those that would like to reach out anonymously. I understand that there is still a huge stigma around mental health, and there are some people who are uncomfortable to reach out directly for any advice.

I would love to start this monthly, but I would love to hear from YOU!

If you’re at all interested, please don’t hesitate to contact me via my website

If I’ve ever apologized to you over a message, text, or email, you should know that it most likely took me longer than most people to write out exactly what’s been going on through my head. I tend to write, delete and re-word everything so I don’t sound as ridiculous as my thoughts.

The funny thing is, even though I KNOW these things are ridiculous, they still consume me. Thoughts keep me up constantly, and I tend to over-think even the simplest things. My husband laughs this off, and I wish I could, too. Trying to make logical sense out of my anxiety is time-consuming

I’ve had some friends who get angry at me for apologizing, especially if it’s something that didn’t cross their mind or just for the pure frequency of my self-doubt. There are times when I can control it, but on my bad days, you can find me apologizing for talking too much, for not talking enough, for being reclusive or apologizing for apologizing – my signature.

What people don’t know is that the reason my apologies come out so frequently is that I feel guilty for being myself. I grew up in a toxic environment that made me think I would never be good enough and that no one would ever care for me, so I tend to believe it. Even though I’ve gone through therapy and know that this isn’t true, there is always that little sliver of guilt that likes to bombard itself to the front when my anxiety flares up.  I can drown in self-critical thought, what if scenarios and genuinely believe that everyone will take me the wrong way.

Internal battles are so hard to overcome, especially when you desperately want to control it. I hate that these thoughts are intrusive, keep me up at night and continually makes me worry. I despise worrying what people think of me when I’m honestly trying my best not to care. Years of therapy have brought me a long way, but, I don’t believe that my apologizing will ever truly go away.

I’ll be sorry for the things that happen and for things that don’t.
I’ll be sorry for not being there for you when I’m struggling with my problems
I’ll be sorry for constantly apologizing, thinking that I’m annoying you to the point where you do not want to be my friend anymore.

I’m trying my best to not struggle with this, but please know that these apologies come from a place of love. A weird anxious love that I’m still trying to understand

Last week was one of the hardest weeks that I’ve ever dealt with, both physically and emotionally. I’ll start chronologically on this one, with the beginning of February when my grandmother, Evelyn, was admitted to the hospital. I kept in close contact with my Aunt and Uncle during this time, we all knew that she would not be going home. We sat on the edge for weeks, wondering when the fateful day will arrive; my aunt & uncle were swarmed in her final arrangements while I held myself back in Toronto, tending to my little bump. My grandmother has always been a strong person, so it was no surprise to us all that she held on for as long as she could. On March 5th, two days after her 94th birthday, she passed away.

Even though I knew that this was coming, it was still a gut-retching thought to know that I will no longer hear her voice twice a week. Losing someone so close to you changes your day-to-day life, leaving you in an extremely vulnerable place which causes anxiety to surface in profound ways. Since I’m no longer on medication due to my pregnancy, it’s difficult dealing with my grief symptoms on top of everything else. Everyone deals with their anxiety differently, but I know that the best thing to do in these situations is to talk it out.

When I lost my mother at the age of 11, I did not manage my grief well during this time, and I bottled everything up. Most adults in this time frame just assumed that I would ‘get over it’ since I was still in school and would have a good distraction. To some degree, they were right, but not talking about it made my grief and anxiety worse. This time around, I was lucky enough to have a huge support system that kept checking up on me and making sure that I did talk about it. Even though this was overwhelming to a certain degree, having this sense of community was lovely.

I took four days off of work for bereavement before I have to go back to “normal.” Funerals and burials can be considered closure for most people, but due to circumstances out of my control, I was unable to attend both. Even though I was in a severe car accident, and worrying about my baby, I kept saying over and over to myself “I can’t believe I’m missing this.” I was unsure if I would get the closure that most people would get and my worrying started to snowball into my anxiety. I became reclusive and blamed it on the back pain from the accident.

I am thankful that my aunt decided to have a Shiva day in Toronto so that I would be able to immerse myself with family and say goodbye in my way. I figured out that anxiety was a normal response to loss, especially when you lose someone so incredibly close to you. Even though I suffer from G.A.D., my feelings were normal and valid. I just needed to remember what I learned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and continue with my breathing exercises to know that soon enough it won’t hurt as much.

It still does, though, and that’s OK.
I will never ‘get over’ this, but I can learn to live, heal and re-build.

I live in a townhouse complex that generally gets quarterly newsletters in regards to issues and updates within our community. Yesterday, we received such a newsletter, and I was quite alarmed to see the language that they used within.

Newsletter Snip

Generally, I don’t stand up to these things and would let it slide, but after they discussed mental health previous to the secondary issue, I knew that I had to say something.

This morning, I sent the following letter to not only our on-site manager but to the president, vice-president and executive assistant to the company:

To Whom it May Concern

This is in regards to the Cooksville Mews Newsletter that was issued on February 27th, 2019

I am an advocate for mental health and was quite elated with your “Caring Community” spot on etiquette between our residents.
However, I was quite taken aback with your next section on “Rezoning of the Commerical Truck Parking Lot” where you used improper and inconsiderate language (e.g., “What’s wrong with you?”) to relate how upset you are at 1/5th of our residents.

Now, I don’t speak for everyone else, but the reason why I was unable to attend or even put a vote in for this matter was due to a short-term illness and not being fully abreast on the subject. I will never feel comfortable voting for something that I am not fully knowledgeable on, and due to my short-term illness, I know that I was unable to make any valid decisions.

You have to take into consideration that life happens to a lot of people and issues will arise that are even worse than mine. Trying to instill fear in us by discussing exhaust sickness and kids being hit by a truck is going over the line. These issues are prevalent not only to our little nook but in fact to our whole city as a whole.

As well, after a mindful paragraph on how to address mental health within our community, the language used within this section is unacceptable. If you would like to understand why our units were not able to attend or sign a petition, the correct response is to contact us directly instead of bullying us within a newsletter. The fact that 60 units were able to attend and vote on our behalf speaks volumes and should consider this beyond successful, especially in correlation to our low-attendance to our annual general meetings.

I do not doubt that I am the only resident who was flabbergasted when I read this newsletter and expect a formal apology to all those who were affected within the next issue.

I hope that I made a difference today and that the office will reply within a timely manner to not only me but to my fellow neighbours