Awkward Silence!

This past weekend I went to a housewarming party. I go to these with my husband, but due to his work schedule, I was to go alone. PANIC. I don’t normally go to parties alone, especially when I only know a handful of people. Immediately I started to think of excuses of how to get out of it. My brain automatically does this, regardless if I want to go or not. I REALLY wanted to go: I haven’t seen my friend in a LONG time, I’ve never been to her house, and she has a baby on the way, so I’m not sure how often I’ll see her in the long run.

Since my husband would be home later in the evening, I made the drive out to her place with the full intent to come back home and spend some quality time with him. I made it on time, which I normally do so I can talk with the hosts. Luckily not a lot of people were there, and it made my anxiety subside.

At one point both of the hosts were in other rooms either giving a tour or pouring drinks, leaving me with two other couples in the living room. The room was a little silent, so I jokingly said loudly “Awkward silence!” which did not bode well with the others. They all glanced at me at the same time which made my throat close up. Tough crowd. My anxiety said to stay silent for the remainder of the time that I was there. I excused myself to the kitchen and poured myself some water for my dry throat. I didn’t have my husband to bring me down from my anxiety, but I was determined to stick it out for my friend.

Even though my visit was short and my anxiety did come through, I’m quite proud of myself for staying. As the party went on a couple of acquaintances came through, and I was happy to say hi to them as a welcomed distraction from my idiotic attempt at being funny. When I got home, I ran through that “Awkward silence!” possibly twenty times in my head, bashing myself for even trying to be funny. Unfortunately, this will never escape me, and I’ve come to accept it. Do I regret going to this party? No. Pushing through things that make you uncomfortable is the only way that you can grow as a person. Will I yell out “Awkward Silence!” Again? Most likely – I am Anxious Andrea after allsocial-anxiety-toronto-1

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