Pushing through the anxiety

After pushing myself for a couple of weeks, I decided to take some time and just relax. I’ve been working on several projects and didn’t want to overstretch myself – I’m pretty thankful that I did.

During this small break, I took a look back on my writing career. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always kept a journal, but when I entered high school, I got into poetry. My English teacher at the time, Elaine Smajovits, was so incredibly supportive of my writing. Whenever I had a break or lunch, I would try to hunt her down so she could read my latest entry, always offering advice and a smile. My poetry was reflective of my relationship issues with my adoptive father and I never really shared it with anyone. I did try to share some short stories with my adoptive father and then step-mother, but they were quite dismissive and didn’t offer the support that I needed. I was told to find a “suitable career” and believed writing wasn’t viable. I started to doubt myself, and my dream of becoming a scriptwriter seemed too far-fetched.

When I graduated high school in 2004, I was published in an Anthology “Under the Poet Tree” and was quite proud of myself. My “parents” didn’t even bother to buy a copy of it. I swept my poetry under the rug and went into communications/film studies to hopefully find a better calling. One of the electives that I was able to join was script writing, and I figured I should at least give it a shot. My teacher wasn’t the best and constantly asked why I wanted to be a writer. With no self-confidence, I wasn’t able to answer her. When she initially introduced the course to us, she mentioned she doesn’t give anyone A’s, but I was pretty confident in my final submission. The highest grade I received was a “C,” and I took that as my answer to no longer pursue writing.

I look back on all of these factors and want to hit myself over the head. I let my atmosphere and anxious thoughts get the best of me.

Even at my lowest point, I would continue to write as a form of therapy. I have countless journals and a ton of notebooks scattered around the house. Knowing that this brought me joy I knew that I needed to do something about it. In November 2016 I decided to break some barriers and start a novel. This novel has been years in the making, and I finally had an “Ah-ha!” moment on how to formulate it properly.
Doing it part-time for 16 months brought on some new anxious thoughts, thinking that no one would want to read it but I pushed myself. I was back in my element.

On top of that, I started this blog four months ago and finished/submitted a short story to a local contest. I didn’t want to overstress myself and took last week off from my blog to focus on my novel. I’m glad I did because it’s now in the hands of my proof-reader – I feel ridiculously accomplished.

When I look back on my trials and tribulations, I’m not overly upset with myself that I took a long break. Its normal for us to go through anxiety when starting something new. Remembering Elaine Smajovits’s infectious smile was the push that I needed to jump back into it. Thank you for the push!

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