Two years down, forever to go

I’m celebrating my two year wedding anniversary today!

My husband and I have been together for roughly seven years, and our relationship is far from ‘normal.’ We met under some weird circumstances – if you’d like to hear the full story, you can go here for a Drunk History re-enactment (Thank you wedding party!)

When we first met, I pushed my husband to pursue his dream of being a sound recordist for television/film. Even though I knew that this switch would be hard and frustrating, I wasn’t entirely prepared for what was to come. Not having a steady paycheck meant that I needed to compromise and go back into the corporate world and retire my makeup brushes. I wasn’t overly upset about this, freelancing was almost a joke in my field, and you were swimming in a full pool. What caught me off guard was the conflict in schedules.

My husband takes pride in his field, works hard and submits to crazy hours. We don’t get the average quality time that most couples do – in fact, most of my mornings are spent alone as he sleeps off his 12 hour day. During his busy season, I will be lucky to spend a full day with him.

Anniversary 1
My mornings usually look like this

These work hours have not only affected our relationship but has cost him friendships and family time. In the beginning stages of our relationship, this was hard for me to grasp. My anxiety got the best of me, and I started to have doubts, and my fear of abandonment went full throttle – you know what did help? Knowing that we were both never going to give up on each other. He was always there to reassure me and never left my side, even when I couldn’t see past my emotions at that moment.

After years of going through the motions and reading all the relationship advice I could get, I can proudly say that my husband works like this so he can be successful and make our dreams come true. It’s not the fact that he enjoys no quality time and working long hours, he does this because he loves our home and would do anything to make us happy. I’m guilty of not seeing this in the beginning – I’m guilty of not praising him the way that he deserves.

Today I want to acknowledge my husband for all of the hard work and perseverance that he has shown me over the years. I beam with pride whenever I think of his career and how far he’s come in this short amount of time. I respect his work ethic, his intelligence, and his core values. I am thankful for his emotional strength during the lows and his sense of humor during the highs. For better or worse, I am honored to call you my husband.

Anniversary 2

Awkward Silence!

This past weekend I went to a housewarming party. I go to these with my husband, but due to his work schedule, I was to go alone. PANIC. I don’t normally go to parties alone, especially when I only know a handful of people. Immediately I started to think of excuses of how to get out of it. My brain automatically does this, regardless if I want to go or not. I REALLY wanted to go: I haven’t seen my friend in a LONG time, I’ve never been to her house, and she has a baby on the way, so I’m not sure how often I’ll see her in the long run.

Since my husband would be home later in the evening, I made the drive out to her place with the full intent to come back home and spend some quality time with him. I made it on time, which I normally do so I can talk with the hosts. Luckily not a lot of people were there, and it made my anxiety subside.

At one point both of the hosts were in other rooms either giving a tour or pouring drinks, leaving me with two other couples in the living room. The room was a little silent, so I jokingly said loudly “Awkward silence!” which did not bode well with the others. They all glanced at me at the same time which made my throat close up. Tough crowd. My anxiety said to stay silent for the remainder of the time that I was there. I excused myself to the kitchen and poured myself some water for my dry throat. I didn’t have my husband to bring me down from my anxiety, but I was determined to stick it out for my friend.

Even though my visit was short and my anxiety did come through, I’m quite proud of myself for staying. As the party went on a couple of acquaintances came through, and I was happy to say hi to them as a welcomed distraction from my idiotic attempt at being funny. When I got home, I ran through that “Awkward silence!” possibly twenty times in my head, bashing myself for even trying to be funny. Unfortunately, this will never escape me, and I’ve come to accept it. Do I regret going to this party? No. Pushing through things that make you uncomfortable is the only way that you can grow as a person. Will I yell out “Awkward Silence!” Again? Most likely – I am Anxious Andrea after allsocial-anxiety-toronto-1

Symptom: Lock Jaw

Last week I went to my dentist, I’ve been having some issues with my jaw locking up on me while I sleep and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I am guilty of grinding and clenching my teeth – I don’t normally know I am doing it since it usually happens at night. My dentist fixed me with a mouth guard years ago and even though it was a temporary fix, the issue has come back. Due to time constraints, I wasn’t able to delve further into my issue and have to go back next week. You can all guess what I’ll be doing till then! OVERTHINKING!

Have my jaw discs started to deteriorate? Will I need to get surgery? How long will the recovery be? How nutritious is a liquid diet anyways?

Anxiety comes with a lot of symptoms, and some of them arise as physical pains. The ones that I am experiencing right now are due to muscle tension. Aside from being mindful of my anxiety, there isn’t much else that I can do. Recognizing my anxiety can be helpful in trying to not clench throughout the day, and that will help until my next visit.

What-are-Anxiety-Symptoms

How can you recognize anxiety? Anxiety can be very situational for most people, but I was compiling a general list over the weekend that could be helpful for either yourself or recognizing it in others.

  1. Physical Pains: This can include stomach issues, back problems, headaches and jaw discomfort in my case.
  2. Physical indicators: some of the most common symptoms are sweating, trouble breathing, rapid heartbeat, and
  3. Change in demeanor: becoming more reclusive, needing more assurance than usual, and lack of patience.
  4. Foggy Brain: this includes trouble concentrating and memory issues. This can be very frustrating and can cause even more anxiety once we realize what’s happening.
  5. Extreme worrying: It’s obsessing, it’s overthinking, it’s overanalyzing. Honestly, I deserve an award for this.

As mentioned, this is just a generalized list, and you can have more symptoms than the ones listed. It’s imperative to stay mindful so that you don’t overwork yourself into a panic attack or start clenching your jaw. Trying not to overthink is a huge task for me, but I know that my husband and others will ground me. Here’s hoping I get some good news next week!

Pushing through the anxiety

After pushing myself for a couple of weeks, I decided to take some time and just relax. I’ve been working on several projects and didn’t want to overstretch myself – I’m pretty thankful that I did.

During this small break, I took a look back on my writing career. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always kept a journal, but when I entered high school, I got into poetry. My English teacher at the time, Elaine Smajovits, was so incredibly supportive of my writing. Whenever I had a break or lunch, I would try to hunt her down so she could read my latest entry, always offering advice and a smile. My poetry was reflective of my relationship issues with my adoptive father and I never really shared it with anyone. I did try to share some short stories with my adoptive father and then step-mother, but they were quite dismissive and didn’t offer the support that I needed. I was told to find a “suitable career” and believed writing wasn’t viable. I started to doubt myself, and my dream of becoming a scriptwriter seemed too far-fetched.

When I graduated high school in 2004, I was published in an Anthology “Under the Poet Tree” and was quite proud of myself. My “parents” didn’t even bother to buy a copy of it. I swept my poetry under the rug and went into communications/film studies to hopefully find a better calling. One of the electives that I was able to join was script writing, and I figured I should at least give it a shot. My teacher wasn’t the best and constantly asked why I wanted to be a writer. With no self-confidence, I wasn’t able to answer her. When she initially introduced the course to us, she mentioned she doesn’t give anyone A’s, but I was pretty confident in my final submission. The highest grade I received was a “C,” and I took that as my answer to no longer pursue writing.

I look back on all of these factors and want to hit myself over the head. I let my atmosphere and anxious thoughts get the best of me.

Even at my lowest point, I would continue to write as a form of therapy. I have countless journals and a ton of notebooks scattered around the house. Knowing that this brought me joy I knew that I needed to do something about it. In November 2016 I decided to break some barriers and start a novel. This novel has been years in the making, and I finally had an “Ah-ha!” moment on how to formulate it properly.
Doing it part-time for 16 months brought on some new anxious thoughts, thinking that no one would want to read it but I pushed myself. I was back in my element.

On top of that, I started this blog four months ago and finished/submitted a short story to a local contest. I didn’t want to overstress myself and took last week off from my blog to focus on my novel. I’m glad I did because it’s now in the hands of my proof-reader – I feel ridiculously accomplished.

When I look back on my trials and tribulations, I’m not overly upset with myself that I took a long break. Its normal for us to go through anxiety when starting something new. Remembering Elaine Smajovits’s infectious smile was the push that I needed to jump back into it. Thank you for the push!